The spiral is real guys. There are some awesome spirals such as cinnamon raisin bread, galaxies, mac & cheese, slinkies, staircases, football throws, and curly fries. There are also some not so awesome spirals such as millipedes, eye/mind games, bugs, and some bacteria.

Recently spirals have become more prevalent in my emotions, good and bad. One of my favorite spirals was when I was at work and smelled pizza somewhere in the building. I text Brice and said, “Man, I’d love some pizza for dinner.” Enter Spiral. My next texts consisted of:
“OH, the thick cheesy kind”
“Maybe from Pizza Hut”
“Extra Cheese”
“Pan crust”
“We should get Blayke to come over and order with me!” (Blayke and I usually end up order pizza during a long night hanging out)
“We could throw in some bread sticks”
“Maybe some Cinnamon Sticks too”
“Or garlic knots”

All of these texts went out in under a minute, and all in separate texts. When I finally took a second to breathe and wipe my salivating mouth, Brice replied with a hearty “hahahahaha!” Food is my weakness, especially anything with cheese all over it. At least a couple times a week, I have a food spiral where I start with a simple thought of ‘Hm, what sounds good for dinner’ and then end with way too many ideas for a gigantic meal we would never be able to eat all at once! (These food spirals have been the inspiration behind my new restaurant idea “Preggo Paradise” or “Bites o’ Bits” whose menu would feature a conveyor belt of a mini cheese burger, couple pieces of sushi, a few french fries, a taco, etc. so you wouldn’t be forced to commit to one single dinner entree *patent pending*)

For me, the hardest thing about pregnancy so far has been the mind game of it all. Yes, you will gain weight and grow. Yes, your calves will cramp in the middle of the night and wake you in serious pain with your toes stuck in a distorted position. Yes, you will pee a million times a day for no apparent reason. Yes, walking up a flight of stairs will take up way more breath and exertion than you care to admit and, for me, make me ashamed to say that I climbed Rainier less than a year ago because my heavy breathing definitely doesn’t seem like it. All of these are pretty common knowledge so even though I was slow to believe them, I knew they would eventually happen. The mind spiral is definitely something I wasn’t prepared for.

It’s crazy how sometimes one seemingly simple thought can be the linchpin to something you’ve been holding much deeper inside. A few friends are planning a baby shower for me and last week they told me I needed to register. A seemingly fun, carefree task right? Wrong. Enter spiral.

After filling out the necessary info on Amazon, I stared at the empty registry. My mind began it’s downward spiral. This time it didn’t manifest itself in a fun, outward, rapid text appearance. Inwardly I felt a weight on my chest, as if it was compressing my heart and soul. The thoughts always come in one liner format:
“I have no idea what I need to register for”
“I have the main things right; crib, swing thing, boppie, bumbo”
“Who names these things anyways”
“Boppie, Bumbo, what else do I think sounds weird but that we should probably have?”
“Stuff is just stuff and she’ll be fine without it, but what about other the non-stuff stuff?”
“I don’t feel very ‘mothery’ or connected to the baby right now”
“Does that mean that I don’t care”
“I mean I care and am happy we’re having a baby, but I definitely don’t already love her”
“What if this special bond everyone says happens never does for me”
“It’s super hard for me to accept someone else’s love and deeply care for them in general, what if the lovey dovey feeling for this little girl doesn’t come”
“I’d be forced to go through the motions of yes and then secretly feel bad when someone says – doesn’t she just melt your heart?”
*Enter eyes welling up, until my eye lids can no longer contain the mini-ocean that’s being created*
“I already feel bad when people ask if I want to hold a baby or make comments like – aren’t kids so cute? Aren’t you so excited to have your own? The answer for me right now is no. Not at all.”
“Why do people keep saying I’m going to be a great mom or we’re going to be great parents”
“I think a good parent loves their children unconditionally. Like, seriously unconditionally – as in you just pooped/peed all over me but it’s cool. I still love you. Or the kid just cried for hours but you still love it. To me, both of those sound horrible”
“Have I ever loved anyone unconditionally?”
“I want to say I love Brice unconditionally (that’s the goal right), but I’m pretty positive there’s things he could do that would make me love him less and eventually not love at all”
“That sucks – A kid should have a solid example of two parents that love each other and respect one another unconditionally. Can we provide that? Yes? Maybe?”
“It’s been pretty great just the two of us. We’ve had some rough patches in the past 8 years, and there were definitely times I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel”
“Kids can be cute, but their usually pretty annoying and gross.”
“I’m not thrilled about having to give up my time, energy, and caring for her 24/7 for the next few years and trying to love another person unconditionally”
“I can’t do this”

There’s the spiral. The dark, dirty spiral. The root is – I am selfish and want to be in control.

About 99% of the time, the spiral ends the same way. I feel defeated. I feel worn down. My emotions are dictated by feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Some spirals start with an initial delightful thought, but some don’t have the benefit of at least a few happy thoughts in the beginning. Some start in the middle of an argument and then once the argument ends, I’m still stuck with the crappy thoughts.

I know that I am not in control of anything. Unfortunately my thoughts are my weakness right now. I truly believe that Satan knows this and we know that he attacks us at the easiest point of weakness. Isn’t that what a good leader does in battle? You look for the enemies weak points, expose them, and go for the win. I REFUSE to let him win.

A win for Satan in me would be that my relationship with Brice is strained or damaged because I’m unable to accept his love and share my own. A win for him would be me living in the lie that I am inadequate as a parent and sulking in the pain. If you have every played any game with me you know, I HATE TO LOSE. This is one battle that I refuse to lose. It would be sooo easy to give in and admit defeat, revel in self-pity, and begin loathing myself. Instead, I fight. I share these feelings so if you have ever thought them, you can know they are crap! Stand strong in knowing while the feelings/thoughts you’re experiencing are real, it doesn’t mean you’re the worst person in the world. It means you are human in a broken world full of sin and deceit.

I’m working to learn the root of my thoughts so I can focus on treating the root, not the symptom. Treating the symptom would be just pushing through and thinking loving thoughts. It would be getting others to tell me it will be ok and I’m going to be great. Treating the root is acknowledging my selfishness and making the conscious decision to let it go. Treating the root is letting go of my desire to be in control and trusting in the Father who is great and powerful so I don’t have to be in control. He can handle that for me. I don’t have to keep the weight of the world (totally what it feels like) on my shoulders.

These thoughts are hard to share because in today’s society, I’ve read sooooo much about parents being judged for everything they do, say, feel. The beauty is that I am surrounded by a supportive community who have a genuine love for Brice & I. These spirals suck, like really suck. They hurt and at times I feel like there’s just no way I can handle it so I begin thinking of ways to escape. All in all – I don’t know how to end this post. But there you have it. The oh so real spirals that I often feel shame for having, but I refuse to wallow in them any more.

*I’ve been looking at this post for the past day and its super hard to push ‘Publish’*